Human Failure and God's Faithfulness

I was completely stressed out today. Actually, I have been stressed out for a while now. School is kicking me in the butt pretty badly. I took the summer of off work to focus on school and to get 5 classes done  so I could graduate in December. I took out more loans so I could pay for rent. Well, I had to drop my math course the first 8 weeks of my semester (my classes run every 8 weeks) and I failed my Acts class and barely squeezed by with a D in my Creation Studies class. So that was summer term A. Summer term B runs into summer term A. So as my first 8 week classes are ending in the last two weeks, my second 8 week classes are starting so I was doing 4 classes at one time for two weeks. That's a lot of work to do. Especially because I was behind in my Acts class and found out that I had done the completely wrong set of study questions and was in a hurry to get the right ones done in two days. (that didn't happen) BUT, I did get a 92% on my 8 page paper!! woo hoo! All the while, I was trying to start my Philosophy and Biblical Counseling classes. Well, I got really behind on my Philosophy class and had missed 3 exams already. I emailed my professor today to see if I could still take them and he "disinclined" to my request. This now means that I either have to drop the course or make up the grades with the other 5 exams still to come. But I don't know if I can make good grades in all those exams. I am NOT a great test taker. I'd much rather write a paper any day. I know, I'm weird. I really don't get stressed about writing papers. I like doing the research and I like writing so it's all good! :) Tests and I don't get along very well at all. I get stressed and then worry that I'm getting the wrong answer...and it just all goes down hill from there. So now that I have to drop this course, it puts me behind. My plan was to get done by december...but now I'll get done in the Spring. I have 8 more classes left. My new plan is to do 4 classes (2 classes every 8 weeks) in the fall and then 4 in the winter/spring. I've been working on my bachelors for 8 years now. I am ready to be done with school. 

Having set back like this makes me feel like such a failure. I can often beat myself up over this and can be really hard on myself. I don't want to fail any more. I want to succeed! I feel like that is never going to happen now. I did see the light at the end of the tunnel with school, now it seems like it's getting farther and farther away from me. Arg. Sometimes, I think about quitting...but then I remind myself that quitting is absolutely NOT an option. There is no way I can quit. I called Karen (the mom of the family I used to live with) and she reminded me of how far I have gotten. My friend Kristin and I went on our Monday night run to the Lincoln (ps. GREAT run!! It was not humid and the air was dry and it was so beautiful outside! praise God for great weather!) and she reminded me that even my school work is not about me. It's about the Lord's work and I am doing this for him. I know I have to finish school. I know God called me to do this when I graduated from PCC with my associates. I distinctly remember the day when I was trying to take classes at Regent University to finish, and I didn't have peace about it.  I knew that was not the major the Lord wanted me in and it wasn't the school he wanted me in either (that's another story for another day). I remember talking with Karen after I got back from my first class and realizing that I had been walking around the edge of the idea of pursuing my bachelor's in youth ministry with Liberty's Distance Learning for quite sometime now. I have been consistent in my thinking and toying with that idea. She told me to jump in and have faith to do it. But, I am a girl, what am I going to do with a youth ministry degree after I graduate? I can't be a youth pastor. I definitely agree with what the Bible says about women having authority in church. What am I going to do in the end? What about loans? I'll have to take out all those loans to pay for school. Karen reminded me that getting a degree is the best thing you can take out loans for. She also reminded me that God is faithful. He is calling me to do this and I need to be obedient and trust him that he will provide in the end. 

So, throughout my stressful day of worrying about what I'm going to do with these classes, he was faithful to remind me of his promise. He kept bringing me to the verse: 1 Corinthians 1:9 God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord." As I was looking for this verse in my study Bible tonight, I was brought to the topic of faithfulness and so many other verses were comforting to me. 2 Thessalonians 3:3 But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one. God will give me strength to endure against the devil's lies about my human failure. And 2 Timothy 2:13 If we are faithless, He remains faithful; for He cannot deny himself. Psalm 36:5 Thy lovingkindness extends to the heavens. Thy faithfulness reaches to the skies. 

God called me to finish this so I know based on his promises that he will provide for me when I'm done and he will give me the strength to go through it. Right now, it's all so daunting. But this is something I have to finish. 

My mind is saying that I am a failure; I can not keep doing this. In Washington D.C. it's so hard to find people who aren't pursuing their doctorate or already have their master's or are at least pursuing their master's. But here I am, 25, single, living in Washington D.C., a part-time nanny, working 8 years on a bachelor's. To the world, it says...FAILURE. But, I know my God is sovereign and bigger than my petty school work. He is moving in the hearts and minds of people who I have never and probably will never meet. He created the heavens and the oceans and all the creeping things in it. OH! This was in my devotions this morning! 

Psalm 104: 24, 27-28

24- O Lord, how manifold are your works. In wisdom have you made them all. The earth is full of your creatures.

27- These all look to you to give them their food in due season.

28- When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are filled with good things. 

See, my God even cares for the smallest of creatures. I am his child. How much more will he care for me? 

Yes, I am a failure. BUT God is faithful. 

♥