Why Am I Here?

This is the question I have been asking myself today. Why am I in Washington DC? Of all places to be ... Washington DC? It's got to be one of the most expensive cities in America. I mean really, though, why has the Lord chosen to bring me to this place? I don't have a job that is keeping me here. I am a nanny after all. I don't have a school building that I have to be at. My school is online so I can take it any where.  So I'm not here for a job or school...or an internship... or a relationship... or because I love politics (because really I hate politics...well not hate, but strongly dislike). I seriously, can't afford to be here. I was thinking about all the people I know (well, not ALL of them because that's A LOT of peeps!) but they all got to DC for a job, an internship, a relationship, school of some sorts. It would seem that it makes more logic to move back home and live with my parents while I am in school. Why am I here? How did I get to Washington D.C? Well, it goes way back to 2005 when I graduated from Pensacola Christian College. I was looking for ministry type jobs out on the east coast and came across Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Hey! I thought I could do that! So I applied for the internship and got in! YAY!! So I moved to Fairfax, VA in the summer of 05...didn't know a soul. I lived with a WONDERFUL family who I am still friends with for that summer. The internship ended at the end of the summer and I went back home to MI to figure out what I was supposed to do with school. I was working as a waitress at Chili's and at a daycare in the fall of 05 and decided to go to Liberty University as a residential student and do the whole college thing all over again. I got to LU in the spring of 06 and decided it wasn't really for me after all. I was torn with deciding a few things during that semester. I was either going to live off campus in an apartment or go home just for the summer and decide if I want to come back in the fall next year. As God's Lordship over my life goes, the family I lived with (the Coles) called me whilst I was in the middle of making this decision and had come to terms of just going home (I hadn't been home for a whole summer since I left for my first college in 02). I remember I was at Walmart with a friend and Karen called me wanting me to be their nanny for Aaron. I said yes and moved to Fairfax again in the summer of 06. I lived with them throughout the whole summer, and fall, and spring, and the summer of 07. It was in the fall of 06 that I decided to attend my church Capitol Hill Baptist Church 4 blocks from the capitol. My friend from camp knew my pastor from seminary and told me to check it out. I was skeptical because it was in DC and I lived in Fairfax and didn't want to drive into the city.  But I went one Wednesday night and LOVED it! I decided then and there that I was going to be a member and this was going to be my home church and I was going to live a block away from it. Seriously. Well, I moved out of the Coles in the fall of 07 and moved a block away from the church. I have been a member since the fall of 06. 

My roommates were so kind to remind me why I am here as I was singing to them my newly claimed Celibacy song (seriously, I have song! It goes to the tune of "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus") They reminded me why I am here which is to be sanctified and trust God with what lies ahead. Stephanie said that I was here to show Gracie (one of the girls I nanny for) salvation by grace through faith (I had a little discipline/Gospel lesson today...it was really so neat how the Lord was kind to allow me to show her sinfulness in disciplining but reminding her that Jesus Christ died for those sins). She reminded me that I am here to be living in the house with them. :O) Am I learning alot? Am I being sanctified? I feel like such a failure sometimes. I feel like anything I say doesn't make sense at all. 

So really, is this the reason I am living in Washington D.C? To be a member of this incredibly God-centered, Gospel-preaching church? Is that it? Not that it's insignificant, but could this be it? Don't get me wrong...I LOVE it here and LOVE my church and am so blessed to be here, but is it really to be sanctified? Since coming here, I have become more aware of my sin, but thankfully the cross has gotten a lot bigger. I have learned much about what it means to be a member of a church. I have learned the importance of Gospel-centeredness (yeah, i just made that word up). 

But what happens when this awkward phase of my life passes and I have to find a job after my bachelor's? Do I leave here? Do I go to seminary? Do I find a job around here? What about this desire to go to Africa all of the sudden? Should I pursue that when I'm done with school?

I feel like I'm in a rut right now. I have no real purpose for being here, other than being sanctified. I have flirted with the thought of moving back home. But I don't think I could handle that. 

I was actually asked this question tonight as I was walking back from studying at Starbucks. My neighbors...well, not MY neighbors, but the BullMoose's neighbors were outside and I was talking with them a little bit and they asked me why I was here. See, everyone who comes to DC has some sort of story of how and why they are here. I had to laugh when she asked me this since I had been asking myself the same question all day. I don't know why I'm here, really, but I know that I want to be in this church, is what I told her. I told her (by the way, she's not a christian) I wanted to move close to the church because it's so gospel-centered. 

Well, if I'm here to be sanctified through the teaching at this church then great! Bring it on! There is no place I'd rather be. As for a job, school, relationship...well, the rest is in the Lord's hands. He is the sovereign ruler over my life. I trust that he will show me all those steps when the time is right. I'm gonna enjoy the sanctification process in the meantime. 

:O)

♥  

Nanny.

This lady to the right was the most AMAZING woman in the entire world. Her name... Nanny. Well, to me her name was Nanny. Her real name is Alma Lee Barnhart. In case you didn't get it, she's my grandmother.  She went home to be with the Lord just before Christmas this past year. It's been 8 months and I'm still having a hard time with it. I miss her so incredibly much. I pretty much have no grandparents any more. My poppi died in 2003, and my mom's mom lives in a nursing home and doesn't like us anyway. But Nanny ... she was so strong and full of life and spirit. She didn't care what anyone thought of her. Anywhere she went, she had the best time and loved people so much. She was a servant. She would always be cooking or baking something for someone. Any time I went to her house, she would have her Bible open on the kitchen table. She was full of wisdom and love for the Lord. Spunk is a great word to describe her. Man, I miss her. Lately, I have really needed to call home and get some emotional support from a woman. I call my dad, but I don't want to worry or make him stressed even more. And I can't talk to him about guy stuff. I have wanted to call her and tell her everything that I'm worried about and guy situations just to hear her say that the Lord will take care of it and to get some encouragement from her. I think the last time I heard her voice, I was in the car with Phil in November (ex boyfriend) and she talked to him on speaker phone, I couldn't help but smile and laugh. The last time she heard my voice was in the hospital as my dad held up the phone to her ear so I could say I love her. She couldn't talk in the hospital. I couldn't believe she died, and I still can't. She was such a strong, healthy woman. I wish everyone could have met her. They would fall in love in a second. I hope when I am older, that I can be half the woman she was, full of spirit, full of joy, full of wisdom, full of spunk, full of love for the Lord. 

In another post that is soon to be coming, I was talking about Doing Hard Things and trying to think about the hard things the Lord may be putting me through right now. My hard things consist of my school work. I have wanted to call nanny to talk to her about it, but I'm reminded that I can't. Another hard thing is a desire that I am constantly giving up to the Lord, and I have been wanting to call Nanny to talk about it, but I can't. Another hard thing is family situations with my mom, and I have been wanting to call nanny... 

These are hard things, but the ultimate hard thing the Lord is teaching me is dependence on Him and trusting in Him alone. I have such a human instinct to go to someone and cling on to them for dependence, but the Lord is teaching me that I need to depend on Him. I am constantly reminding myself and talking to the Lord about my dependence on him alone and asking him to give me more strength to do so. These are times when I am weak and I need to get into the Word. My shield is of faith. My sword is of truth. Yesterday, I was thinking about why we call Jesus Christ, Lord. Lord means that he is ruler over my life. It's such a comfort to call him Lord. To call him Lord means that I am putting my dependence on Him to be the ruler over my life and to provide for me. You see, if he is the ruler over my life, then he will provide for me. So when I am calling him Lord, it's a reminder to myself that I am learning to trust the ruler/provider over my life. Does that make sense? 

Nanny was a great blessing in my family's lives. She taught us many things and we shared many laughs. I loved being able to call her or go see her when I was home, but now I must depend on the Lord. He is the sovereign ruler over my life in which I am so thankful. 

God is good! The Lord is sweet and kind. I'm thankful for his provision and steadfast faithfulness. Though I am so weak at times and often confused and straying from my first love, he is ever so gracious and faithful to call me back to His loving arms. 

♥ 

Africa...

Seriously...I want to go!

Lord, Father, Savior

Tonight during the Intern Bible Study, I was thinking about the name Lord and why we call Jesus Christ Lord. 

I heard someone say once that calling him Lord means that he has rightful ownership over your life. He is in control of it and you are bound by Him. He is our master. Calling him Lord simply means that he has reign over your life. 

Anyway, that's a small thought for tonight. But I took comfort in it. 

It goes along with the verses from Romans were it talks about being a slave to sin. Sin is not lord of our lives any more. It's Christ that is Lord! He is King! He is sovereign! He alone is God! I am no longer bound under sin, but bound under grace! 

♥ 

Mr. and Mrs. Aaron Zinck

I went home this weekend to Michigan. I was able to kill to birds with one stone and have a little vacation to spend time with my family and also to see my roommate Lise get married. 

It was a wonderful wedding and Lise glowed the entire time! She was so happy. So I'm not stealing this from the movie 27 Dresses, but really, in a wedding my favorite part is to look back at the groom and watch the glow and excitement on his face. As a girl, I can understand the excitement that the bride has about walking down the aisle to meet the man she will spend the rest of her life with. But I like to see the the guy is feeling too. I like to see his excitement as he watches his bride dressed in pure white walk down the aisle to meet him and join him in a new life together. So beautiful! It's especially nice when Christian's get married. It's a worship service. They are praising the Lord for the good gift he has provided for them. 

Their wedding was small and country like. It was really so beautiful! And it was such a blessing to be there throughout the whole dating period and watching their relationship blossom and to see the end result of it. What a gift! Can I just say, I can't wait for that to happen someday! I can't wait to watch my grooms face light up as I walk down the aisle. All in God's perfect timing though. 

I'm thankful to have been at their wedding. 

♥ 

Romans 7

This was from my devotions today and have thought about them all day so I thought I'd share it with you all.

Romans 7:5-6,22

For while we were living in the flesh, our sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in our members to bear fruit for death. But now we are released from the law having died to that which held us captive so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit and not in the old way of the written code. ...

For I delight in the law of God in my inner being. 

Romans 7 is the "Do-Do" chapter. (well, that's what I call it anyway) Paul talks about how we desire to do what the Lord commands, but we are torn between our sinful flesh and the desire to follow the Lord and so often we do the very thing we hate to do and the thing we want to do we don't do. Ugh! I know that feeling! 

Last Thursday was a normal day babysitting. The kids were being disobedient and having an attitude ("tude" as my friend Paul puts it). It was nice to see how the Sarah (for the sake of those in these stories I will not refer to them as their real names.) handles these situations. I was taking notes in the back of my head. It was a completely crazy, normal morning when I walked in the door. The kids were in full swing and ready for the day. Sarah was getting their breakfast ready and one thing seemed to happy after another. Joe, who is the youngest, was playing is a lightsaber, Abby (the middle) was yelling for her mom, and Jack (the oldest) was having an attitude about not eating his cereal. It was craziness. Here I am, a single, 25 year old female who doesn't deal with kid insanity every second of the day and who lives a pretty calm life among other 20 somethings walking into a family of one thing happening after the other. I had to laugh to myself as they walked in to the other room. I thought about how I want a family someday with the craziness of kids and I asked myself now that I see that everything is not always peachy keen if I still wanted this... immediately, I said YES! hahaha. 

I was struck by how Sarah was so kind and gracious to remind her kids of the Lord and his kindness.  I was helping Sarah get the kids lunches ready because we were going to take them to the park, and Jack would not eat his cereal. He protested. Sarah reminded him to obey all the way, right away, and with a happy heart. She reminded him of the Gospel and what scripture says about obeying. After Sarah handled the drama of the oldest, the middle came in the kitchen with another attitude...Sarah calmly put their options in front of them and asked them if they know they are disobeying. They both said yes. It struck me to realize that these kids KNOW they are sinning. They understand that they were having hard hearts. My mind went to my own life and relationship with the Lord. I know I am sinning. I know that I make wrong choices and yet I still do them. It's like Paul in Romans 7. I do the very thing I hate and the thing I want to do I don't do. But what is so amazing is that Christ has freed me of that! I am no longer a slave of sin. He has still forgiven me of sins, past, present, and future. Wow, really? I don't deserve such kindness. He is not surprised about my sins, and He will be faithful to forgive the next time I sin. He doesn't hold a grudge against me. 

It's like what Paul says in Romans 7:22, I desire in my inner being to obey the Lord, but my flesh doesn't and often my flesh wins. 

My Romans Verses

Romans 6:14

For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under the law but under grace.

Romans 6:16, 21

16- Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves you are slaves of the one whom you obey either of sin, which leads to death or of obedience, which leads to righteousness.

21- But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed?

I was able to read these verse as I was sitting on the plane to Michigan tonight just knowing the situation I was coming home to. It was a good reminder that I am no longer obedient to sin, but obedient to the Lord. I am not bound under judgment, but bound under grace! As much as a human being can make me feel so condemned and guilty, the Lord has victory over my sin and I am declared innocent. 

Praise God for truth in his word!

♥ 

Spiderman's Web pics

This one of Emma is my favorite. I LOVE the color in it. I brightened the color up some and then totally maximized the exposure on it. Doesn't it look wicked awesome?? I love it. :o)

 This was the park that I took the kids too. That's Caleb on Spiderman's Web. 

I took some great shots of the kids and played around with the coloring and brightness on my MAC. I thought they turned out really well. 

To the Wedding...

Well, my roommates and I and some of our other friends are on our way to Michigan for our old roommate's, Lise, wedding to Aaron. It's 5 minutes and counting till the rest of the clan gets here and then we are on our way to the Amtrack to BWI and then to Detroit. It's kind of cool to bring home some of my friends from D.C. It'll be nice to be home too. Everybody else is renting a car and a hotel room to stay Saturday night for the rehearsal dinner, but I thought it would be best for me to stay home with my family, since I won't be home for a while next. 

I'm excited to get out of the city for a little bit. It'll be even nicer to get away from distractions that are causing my relationship with the Lord to become second (i.e. Idols of the heart). Though I do understand that I can't run away from them because they will always be there, but it'll be nice not to look at it for a weekend. 

Every time I go home, my dad and I try to carve out some time to spend together. So saturday morning we are going to get breakfast together to just hang out and talk. It's nice to talk to him. He understands and he doesn't judge me. I'm going home to kind of a stressful/judgmental situation. I need lots of prayer and wisdom to show forgiveness and grace where needed. I can be so selfish sometimes and I know that I'm a sinner, but I don't need it to be hung over my head as though I am being condemned. Christ didn't condemn me because I repented of my sins. So I need to not feel condemned and remind myself that Christ has paid for that sin and I am free from it. I am no longer a bondage to it. So why am I still selfish? 

Anyway, the doorbell just rang. I must carry my suitcase downstairs now and to get ready for our Michigan Adventure!!! 

I'll be posting soon!

♥ 

Idols of the Heart

Galatians 5:7

You were running well; who hindered you from obeying the truth?

If you don't know me, you need to know that I am a runner! I absolutely LOVE it! I crave it and get really antsy for it (like if I'm sitting in traffic, my leg will impatiently be bouncing up and down because I just want to get out) So I love the verses that talk about running. 

Well, this verse spoke to me because I have been out of the loop of my regular running routine for a while. I could normally run 6-8 miles no problem in an hour and 30 min. But I kind of went through a very stressful time during the spring and stopped running for like 2 months. I would run maybe once a week, but it would only be for 3 miles. Normally, I could run 6-8 miles a day! But something hindered me from running. What was it? Fear. I was scared of health issues. I was ... well, I was depressed for a few months. I was definitely not myself. I could even tell a difference in my walk with the Lord, which, too be honest is a scary thing to admit. 

When I read this verse tonight, immediately the I thought of the reasons of why my relationship with the Lord was not on it's regular running routine. It's because of the idols of my heart. Now, I won't name them (normally, I'd be straight up and honest and not afraid to hold anything back, but I have a pretty darn good reason why I am going to hold back from telling you my idols this time). I think I realized what the idols of my heart were a few weeks ago. And then last night as I was running, (another reason why this verse is so cool...it's a running verse ... and I was running at the time when the Lord showed me my idols ... get it? HA!) I was thinking over what lessons the Lord has been showing me and He kindly reminded me of an idol that has not been put behind me yet. I got annoyed because I so desperately want it go to away. Arg! So, how do I get rid of this idol?

I babysit for two incredible families at my church (well, they are both leaving to help start at church in the Ballston area) but the wives are full of wisdom. So I took advantage to suck out any type of wisdom one particular mom might have for me concerning this issue. She told me to keep bringing it to the Lord. Keep repenting of it and the Lord will take it away. She also told me to replace it with something. I thought it was good advice. 

So what has hindered me from running and obeying the truth? Right now, the idols of my heart ... tune in next time for "The Fear of the Unknown". (insert creepy music theme here.)

♥ 

I Love You, Even Though You Are Messed Up

What I am about to share with you happened about a month ago, but I thought it would be helpful and encouraging for those who might be struggling with the same thing.

I was on my way home from my soccer game, and I drove my friends Emily and Aarin (who are married) home too. We were having just a  normal conversation and the question, "Are you dating anyone?" was directed towards me. I said no, I am not. And then I stated the reasons why I thought I was not dating anyone. I told them that I don't want any poor guy to be involved in this mess of a life. "I'm too messed up to be dating anyone right now." I told them. "I wouldn't want some amazing guy to be sucked in to my life." (ps. not that I have a bad life by any means. I am very blessed, but can often be really hard on myself as you are about to see.) But Aarin said something that made me really think about what I had just said. It was very profound and helpful. Are you ready for it? Here it is. He said that Christ didn't wait to pursue me when I became perfect. He pursued me even though I am a sinner. He loves me even though I am messed up. And because I have repented of my sins and put my faith and trust in Him, he counts me as beautiful and perfect and innocent. Wow. That made me shut up and think. Here I am thinking that I have to have all my ducks in a row to be a great wife someday, and I have to have it all together, but really that's not the case. I am a sinner, and I'm going to keep on sinning even when I'm married. And the guy that the Lord has for me is a sinner too, and I will have to forgive him. I don't have to have my ducks in a row. I just need to be obeying the Lord in what he has called me to do. Huh. Profound, eh? (Sometimes, I talk Canadian ... I have a right! I'm part Canadian!) 

It's so easy to look at my friends who are dating or married and think, "Gosh, she has it all together. She's wonderful and godly and has everything organized and she's serving others as well as her hubby. That must be why she's married or dating and  I'm not." I'm too .... then I fill in the blank. I'm too ... well, (alright, time to break out the vulnerability) here are the lies I let myself listen to. 

"I'm too ... selfish."

"I'm not ... pretty enough." 

"I'm don't ... have it all together."

"I'm too ... immature."

"I'm too ... loud." (seriously, I think I'm too loud. HA!) 

"I'm too ... sinful."

"I'm too ... emotional."

"I'm too ... "

Well, you get the idea. But all of these "I'm too..." can become such a legalistic thing too! (This is the part where I compare the earthly thinking to the eternal thinking. Get ready for it...and GO!) 

We can often bring those things to Christ and think "God, I'm too sinful for Christ to be my substitute." "God, I'm so messed up, I need to be more godly by doing more bible reading and praying or serving others." (ps. all those things are good things, but we should be doing them for the right reasons, not to gain merit with the Lord.) Don't you see how legalistic that is! As John Piper said in his sermon as New Attitude last year, "It nullifies the cross of Christ." Romans 11:6 says, "But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works, otherwise grace would not be grace." It is also a pride issue. As we say that we are too sinful for Christ's substitute to be a satisfaction for God's wrath, we put our pride up there. We cannot gain merit with God. He already loves us! He already paid for our sins with the most priceless gift ever....his son's own SINLESS blood! But the fact of the matter is that we ARE sinful...BUT (this is the BEST word in the Bible) But Christ has paid it all. He has become our substitute for our punishment. 

Here in Romans 5:8 it says,  "But God demonstrated His own love toward us, in that while we were YET SINNERS, Christ died for us." This is when God says, " I love you, even though you are messed up." 

Don't you see, Christ pursued us at just the right time! "For while we were STILL helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly." 

So even though I have all these reasons/lies why Christ's death was not good enough to pay for my sins or why I am not dating or married, the truth of the matter is that He loves me even though I'm messed up! And even though some guy is not pursuing me, Christ STILL is! That's all I need to know. My identity is not wrapped up in an earthly relationship that will end up breaking my heart; rather it's wrapped up in what God has promised me through his son Jesus Christ. (yeah, I just got REAL honest there...vulnerability...it's a scarey thing) 

Romans 8:35, 38-39

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus.

♥ 

Thinking about Africa

I was a little bit discouraged today and felt like I was in a rut. My friend Kristin and I had our weekly Monday run tonight (7 miles!!! heck yes!) and we talked a little bit about this.

I just feel like I am in a rut. Nothing is happening. I'm in school and that seems to be keeping me from things I really want to do like go on a missions trip or have a good job. We had our members meeting on Sunday night and one of our elders got up and talked about his trip to South Africa again. They showed some pictures and I just really want to go someday. I went to Together for the Gospel conference in April and one of our pastor's introduced us to a guy who works for missionaries in South Africa and his picture was shown at the members meeting and I remembered that he was looking for interns to work there for at least 6 months. I would like to do that. I would like to go overseas for not a very long period of time, but 6 months seems to be a good length. But I feel like I can't go anywhere because I'm doing school and I have to get that done. But I also feel like I don't want to miss anything while I go over there. I told my friend Kristin that I was scared to go over because what if I was supposed to meet my hubby during my time in Africa. Kristin reminded me that I should go anyway and that if the Lord plans for me to meet him, then he will make it happen. He is sovereign. She told me that if I had that desire I should act on it, it's a gift from the Lord to have that kind of desire so I should seek it out. I'm still going to pray on this, but what should I do with school? Stop for 6 months and then get back into it when I get back? I was also thinking about going to Rhode Island to help start a church with a great family that I know, but then I felt that the Lord was telling me to just hold on a little bit more and stay here a little bit longer. Ah! But I feel like I'm in a rut. I absolutely LOVE it here and I believe the Lord is telling me to wait some more, but what for? I don't have a job that I'm tied too. I don't have a house that I'm financially responsible for. I don't have a boyfriend or hubby that I need to encourage and be a help meet to...or anything like that even remotely close to happening. Why do I need to stay? I have an itch to get out. Is this really from the Lord? Maybe he wants me to stay here for a few more months and then go out? Maybe he is preparing me for something?  I don't know. I want to get out of this rut though...or at least get done with school so I can securely get out of this rut without it putting me behind...or for the Lord to show me why I need to wait a little longer here. 

Dad's Advice

I talked to my dad on the phone today and it's always nice to talk to him. Sometimes, when I call home, I feel like some people don't want to talk to me and I get shorted. But my dad is always willing to talk to me. I appreciate that about him. He reminds me of my Heavenly Father and how even though I mess up all the time and in my sinful and selfishness I don't want to spend time with him, He is still eager for me to come to him and talk with him even about the petty things in my life. He knows what is going on in my life, but he still desires communion with me. It's crazy to think about such love, forgiveness, and mercy. I think of that song "Here I am to Worship" and there's a line in there that says, "I'll never know how much it shows to see my sin upon that cross." I don't think we will ever know how much our sin cost, but am grateful for it!

So anyway, my dad encouraged me (he's always willing and eager to encourage me in the Word. I hope the man I marry will do the same for me too) to read Hebrews 12 and Psalms 103. 

Here's what I needed to here today:

Psalm 103: 8-11

The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. 

Hebrews 12: 3-4

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 

So I want to encourage you, just as my dad did, to read these two passages. There were alot more verses that were especially helpful to read, but I'll let you do that on your own. 

♥

CHBC has a youth group?

This weekend was the CHBC youth group retreat. For those who go to my church, yes, we actually do have a youth group. For those who do not go to my church, you must understand that the demography of the church is mostly young adults in their 20's and 30's who work on Capitol Hill. There are some families with younger children and our children's ministry is busting out of the seams because there are so many children. But the teens seem to be lost in all the mess. But yes, we actually do have a youth group and we meet every other friday. There are usually about 7 that come regularly. But as you can see from the picture, there were a lot more than seven! We brought 18 teens to the retreat. We stayed in the Shanadoah Mountains in Strausburg, VA. The view was absolutely beautiful and it was kind of hard to leave the relaxing atmosphere to go back to the craziness of the city.  The retreat was so much fun! I mean, we all had a blast! The kids really enjoyed it. They seem to get a lot of the talks. The theme of the retreat was "Do Hard Things" from the book by Alex and Brett Harris (twin brothers of Josh Harris). The book was about how teens need to be thinking of the adult life and how they are supposed to get there. They get there by going through hard things and these hard things build character. One thing that the book seemed to be missing, and this was the concensus of the leaders, is that is missed explaining the Gospel further. It was coming from the standpoint that the teens who read this must already be Christians. They didn't really explain WHY, the reason, we should do hard things. But we were able to explain to them why in our small group time. 

There were a lot of new kids that came on the retreat so it was super great getting to know them and joke around with them and also have meaningful conversations. The group contained completely different personalities, but worked well together as a group and got along really well. They encouraged each other in the Lord as they shared what they struggled with and how the Lord is helping them through a particular sin. I had a few good conversations with some of my girls from my small group and one in particular conversation that broke my heart. I won't tell you the rest because that was between her and I, but let's just say, I'm so thankful for my dad. :o)

My girls and I talked mostly about what it means to follow Christ. Why do we follow Christ? And we talked about the difference between the fear of man and the fear of God. We had a really good conversation after the last talk where Jeremy should a video clip of the men from the movie End of the Spear that shows the martyerdom of Jim Elliot. We talked about why we would want to die for Christ too and about going on a mission trip and leaving all to follow Christ so other's could hear the Gospel. It was a really great conversation! One thing that I learned from it all, was that even in the hard things that I need to do like giving up my time to spend with the youth so they could hear the Gospel. In all the hard things that we do for Christ, they end up meaning something and advancing the kingdom of God further. Not really sure if that made sense right now. It's 1:08 am and I'm wicked tired. 

So on that note, I'm peacing out. 

♥ 

Aaron

Yesterday was Aaron's 10th birthday. Can I just say how much I absolutely LOVE this kid!! He is AMAZING! So here's the story of my little love story with Aaron. I got a job as an intern with Fellowship of Christian Athletes (which is another God story) in the summer of 05 out in Fairfax, VA. I had absolutely no clue what I was getting myself in to. FCA set me up with a family that was willing to host me for the summer. That family's name is the Cole's. Rich, Karen, Richard (18), and Aaron (10). I distinctly remember the first day I arrived there. The Cole's are very welcoming hosts. They had a wonderful dinner all set up for me and my parents. We talked forever. I remember driving there to Fairfax and thinking what on earth am I doing? I remember having that feeling of wanting to turn around and head back home to Michigan and just quit already because I was scared. I didn't know anyone coming in to this, and I definitely didn't know the Cole's. Well, I lived with them for the summer of 05 and completely fell in love! I was welcomed into their family with open arms, and Aaron became my little boyfriend. :o) 

At the end of the summer, Rich and Karen pulled me aside and told me how much they loved having me and they wanted me to stay longer with them so I could move out on my own and start a life in Virginia/Washington D.C. area. I thought it was so nice of them to offer that, but I really wanted to go home so I declined. Now looking back, I wonder what my life would be like now if I had taken that opportunity. But God is completely sovereign and He didn't let that happen for a reason. Hmm...  Anyway... the next summer the Cole's called me back as their nanny for Aaron (which...yes, is another God story...seriously people, God is sovereign!). Karen's mom, Barbara was diagnosed with cancer and only had a few more months to live (both her parents lived with them) so they needed help with Aaron (I don't think I mentioned this yet, but Aaron has Down Syndrome) and they immediately called me because they knew I had a good relationship with him. I immediately said yes and I moved out to Fairfax to live with the Cole's as their nanny. Aaron is the most amazing little boy ever. He is so sweet and gentle. He welcomes everyone with open arms. He is not shy. He is quite bold in introducing himself to new people. I realized how much determination he has while I helped him with homework and took him to swimming class. He is so smart and willing to learn. He is easy to get along with. He puts a smile on your face right away and immediately you are his best friend (or girlfriend). When I was sad about something, Aaron new exactly how to put a smile on my face and make me feel better. We would often go on "dates" to Wegman's and the movies. He loved to give me a kiss on my hand and look lovingly into my eyes. :o) I mean, seriously people, this kid is amazing! Meeting Aaron and being around him has changed my life. He's not afraid of what people think of him. He's not scared to be your friend. He knows the joy of life and he lives it everyday. When I first lived with them, I remember that Aaron could barely speak words that were understandable. Now, he is talking so much and so clearly. He's so smart. 

Down Syndrome children are the most wonderful blessing to us. They have so much to teach us in terms of gentleness and innocence. Of course, they are sinners, but they carry an innocence that is not found any where else. I believe you can see the compassionate character of Christ in these children. They are precious. Aaron is my "boyfriend monitor". If I bring a guy home to Aaron and the dude doesn't get along or try to talk to Aaron then the dude has got to go. If Aaron doesn't make him smile or laugh, there is something wrong with that guy. Aaron is such a joy and his laughter and joyfulness is contagious. One of my favorite things to do is to go on a date with Aaron in which afterwards we will come back and I will put him to bed and then read him a story. I love that! 

Anyway, just wanted to let you know about one of the most important men in my life. His name is Aaron, and he is a joy. 

♥ 

Human Failure and God's Faithfulness

I was completely stressed out today. Actually, I have been stressed out for a while now. School is kicking me in the butt pretty badly. I took the summer of off work to focus on school and to get 5 classes done  so I could graduate in December. I took out more loans so I could pay for rent. Well, I had to drop my math course the first 8 weeks of my semester (my classes run every 8 weeks) and I failed my Acts class and barely squeezed by with a D in my Creation Studies class. So that was summer term A. Summer term B runs into summer term A. So as my first 8 week classes are ending in the last two weeks, my second 8 week classes are starting so I was doing 4 classes at one time for two weeks. That's a lot of work to do. Especially because I was behind in my Acts class and found out that I had done the completely wrong set of study questions and was in a hurry to get the right ones done in two days. (that didn't happen) BUT, I did get a 92% on my 8 page paper!! woo hoo! All the while, I was trying to start my Philosophy and Biblical Counseling classes. Well, I got really behind on my Philosophy class and had missed 3 exams already. I emailed my professor today to see if I could still take them and he "disinclined" to my request. This now means that I either have to drop the course or make up the grades with the other 5 exams still to come. But I don't know if I can make good grades in all those exams. I am NOT a great test taker. I'd much rather write a paper any day. I know, I'm weird. I really don't get stressed about writing papers. I like doing the research and I like writing so it's all good! :) Tests and I don't get along very well at all. I get stressed and then worry that I'm getting the wrong answer...and it just all goes down hill from there. So now that I have to drop this course, it puts me behind. My plan was to get done by december...but now I'll get done in the Spring. I have 8 more classes left. My new plan is to do 4 classes (2 classes every 8 weeks) in the fall and then 4 in the winter/spring. I've been working on my bachelors for 8 years now. I am ready to be done with school. 

Having set back like this makes me feel like such a failure. I can often beat myself up over this and can be really hard on myself. I don't want to fail any more. I want to succeed! I feel like that is never going to happen now. I did see the light at the end of the tunnel with school, now it seems like it's getting farther and farther away from me. Arg. Sometimes, I think about quitting...but then I remind myself that quitting is absolutely NOT an option. There is no way I can quit. I called Karen (the mom of the family I used to live with) and she reminded me of how far I have gotten. My friend Kristin and I went on our Monday night run to the Lincoln (ps. GREAT run!! It was not humid and the air was dry and it was so beautiful outside! praise God for great weather!) and she reminded me that even my school work is not about me. It's about the Lord's work and I am doing this for him. I know I have to finish school. I know God called me to do this when I graduated from PCC with my associates. I distinctly remember the day when I was trying to take classes at Regent University to finish, and I didn't have peace about it.  I knew that was not the major the Lord wanted me in and it wasn't the school he wanted me in either (that's another story for another day). I remember talking with Karen after I got back from my first class and realizing that I had been walking around the edge of the idea of pursuing my bachelor's in youth ministry with Liberty's Distance Learning for quite sometime now. I have been consistent in my thinking and toying with that idea. She told me to jump in and have faith to do it. But, I am a girl, what am I going to do with a youth ministry degree after I graduate? I can't be a youth pastor. I definitely agree with what the Bible says about women having authority in church. What am I going to do in the end? What about loans? I'll have to take out all those loans to pay for school. Karen reminded me that getting a degree is the best thing you can take out loans for. She also reminded me that God is faithful. He is calling me to do this and I need to be obedient and trust him that he will provide in the end. 

So, throughout my stressful day of worrying about what I'm going to do with these classes, he was faithful to remind me of his promise. He kept bringing me to the verse: 1 Corinthians 1:9 God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord." As I was looking for this verse in my study Bible tonight, I was brought to the topic of faithfulness and so many other verses were comforting to me. 2 Thessalonians 3:3 But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one. God will give me strength to endure against the devil's lies about my human failure. And 2 Timothy 2:13 If we are faithless, He remains faithful; for He cannot deny himself. Psalm 36:5 Thy lovingkindness extends to the heavens. Thy faithfulness reaches to the skies. 

God called me to finish this so I know based on his promises that he will provide for me when I'm done and he will give me the strength to go through it. Right now, it's all so daunting. But this is something I have to finish. 

My mind is saying that I am a failure; I can not keep doing this. In Washington D.C. it's so hard to find people who aren't pursuing their doctorate or already have their master's or are at least pursuing their master's. But here I am, 25, single, living in Washington D.C., a part-time nanny, working 8 years on a bachelor's. To the world, it says...FAILURE. But, I know my God is sovereign and bigger than my petty school work. He is moving in the hearts and minds of people who I have never and probably will never meet. He created the heavens and the oceans and all the creeping things in it. OH! This was in my devotions this morning! 

Psalm 104: 24, 27-28

24- O Lord, how manifold are your works. In wisdom have you made them all. The earth is full of your creatures.

27- These all look to you to give them their food in due season.

28- When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are filled with good things. 

See, my God even cares for the smallest of creatures. I am his child. How much more will he care for me? 

Yes, I am a failure. BUT God is faithful. 

♥ 

Humor, Haiti, Africa, Sin, Idols

My title is about all the major thoughts and lessons that the Lord has shown me today. 

First I want to tell you about Humor.  I went to Covenant Life Church this morning to just get away from some distractions. It was kind of nice not to be known and just sit and worship the Lord, in a way, by myself. C.J. Mahaney spoke today which was an extra special treat. He is one of my favorite pastor's. He spoke on "Don't Waste Your Humor". It was really great and practical. The thing that I got most from it was that we, as Christians, should have an everlasting humor/joy because of what Christ has done for us. We can have Gospel centered, Christ honoring humor and laughter because we have been set free!! Why shouldn't we have that kind of humor. I mean, it's rightfully ours. I called my family on my way home from church and it was another thing to praise the Lord for. My sister got a job!!! I think I'm more excited about this than she is. She got a job at Liberty Christian Academy in Lynchburg. LCA is from Liberty University which is my current online school. She is going to be the new high school counselor. So that was great news! And...my brother is moving out of the house too!! He got an apartment in Charrolttsville (I can't spell that one for the life of me). He and Mandi are moving out at the end of July. I'm just so excited for them both! And I'm excited for my parents. They can finally have the house to themselves! And I'm excited that I'll have family not that far away from me. It'll be nice to have them kind of close. So that was my Sunday.

Haiti, Africa, Sin:

Tonight was great to be with my regular church family again! I did miss them this morning, but really felt like I needed to get away. Some of our elders, Jonathan Leeman and Matt Schmukar went on a trip for 9 Marks to South Africa and they were giving a report about it tonight. I was reminissing on my time that I spent in Haiti for a week in 2004. The picture above is from my trip in 04 at one of the vacation bible schools we did in the mountains.  I really began to miss Haiti and wish so badly that I could go back again someday soon. I absolutely LOVED it there! and I loved being with the kids. I really want to go on a missions trip again soon, but then I go back to the road block of my school work and how I really have to focus on that and get that done first. Going on a missions trip after I'm done with school...after a long awaited trip to the beach first to relax. ;o)

My church goes regularly to East Asia for missions trip and I would love to go with them someday, but I can't until school is done. YUCK! I would love to visit Africa someday though. 

I would give up all this facade and shallow, materialistic America to go to a country like Haiti. I was convicted tonight as I was getting ready for church. (ps. I'm about to let you into my shallow life for a few minutes...this is scarey...but this is the reason for my blog) I was getting ready for church and trying on different outfits because I wanted to look nice so that I would look nice on the outside and like I have it all together. AH!!! Jenny!! Church is not there for ME! I am going to church to glorify the Lord and to edify the body of Christ. What foolishness was I thinking!! Does every girl do that? Are we all like that, that we are so concerned about how we are dressing to impress people, but not willing to prepare our hearts for our King? So I wanted to wear a really nice shirt I had gotten from Banana Republic (ps. I NEVER shop there and I feel guilt that I got something from there) and my white shorts...and it looked really cute. But then I was convicted about making it all about my appearance and not the Lord. So I quickly changed my shirt and put on a plain old polo and my glasses. Don't get me wrong. It's totally fine to wear nice clothes, but my heart attitude was completely wrong about it. I wanted to wear them so I would be recognized and so I would look good. I didn't want to glorify the Lord with it. I was selfish. Praise God that he has saved me from my sinfulness!! I am reminded that God is not surprised by my sinfulness either. He knows that I'm selfish. That's why he died for me. Phew! 

Idols:

Matthew 12:34 You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

Ouch. Yes, ouch. I was thinking about this verse tonight in church (I promise, I was also paying attention to the message), but my mind wandered to a conversation that I had with a friend the other night at our block party. I was explaining to him why I was going to Covenant Life for church on Sunday and was said that I had an idol in my heart. Ouch. Yeah, he was right. The Lord was kind and reminded me of this verse tonight so I began to ask myself what do I talk about? What is the main subject of my conversations? Are they God honoring? Well, no. Most of the time I am talking about a certain guy or myself. I am asking the other person about how they are doing. I am not thinking about how I can best care for them. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." What's in my heart? Is the Lord taking first priority in it? Am I cultivating eternal thoughts? Am I hiding God's Word in my heart? THAT should be what is in my heart because that will overflow out of my mouth. I have noticed that I have not been myself lately. I can blame it on school work and stress that is going on and worrying alot about things. I could really justify it. But really, it's all sin. It's my idols that are keeping me from the Lord, but it's not just my idols...it's ME that is keeping the idols around. Does that make sense? I have made a committment to the Lord that before I start on any school work I will get into the Word for a little bit. Those of you who know me and are reading this...keep me accountable to this. I really need more time with the Lord. This will make my idols diminish and the rightful owner of my heart will take his rightful spot. 

I just want to leave you with this verse that I came across tonight. You know, I absolutely LOVE the Psalms. David was such an emotional guy and you can definitely see it in the Psalms. He often wondered where the Lord was in his trials, but always praised God for something at the end of his chapters. This one passage is a good example of that: 

Psalm 13:5-6

5- BUT I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

6- I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me. 

♥ 

The Wedding

"Worship the Lord with gladness come before him with joyful songs."

This was on the front of their programs. 

Josh and Lindsay Wallick! Yeah, they got married tonight! What a special thing to be involved in their wedding and to help them in their new life as couple together glorifying the Lord. The wedding was beautiful, the bride was glowing as was the groom. The groomsmen all stood in their place and the bridesmaids walked down with grace (HA! that ryhmed!) One of the flower girls got scared just as she was going down the aisle and ran back the other way. I felt for her. 

I love going to weddings at my church. They are unlike anything I have ever seen. They are truly there for a worship service. The focus is not on the bride and groom, but on the Lord as they have the congregation sing in songs and the Gospel is preached. It's really so great! And the vows!!!! WOW!!! I have never heard vows like that before. They are really long, but so beautiful. I couldn't be able to do them justice and recite them back to you, but the one of the lines that I love is where they both declare to each other that they are sinners saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ and that they can do nothing good on their own. I think that is a good reminder for married couples to have...and everyone else too. It was really a wonderful wedding.

I spent the whole day at the church helping out in the reception hall and getting that ready and then making the church sanctuary look nice with decorations and then running around like crazy and making sure everyone was in their spot. It was a joy to serve today. 

A Rejected Homecoming Queen and a Rejected Christ

This picture is from my homecoming senior year with my dad. I had been on the homecoming court since I was a sophomore. See what happens in a really small Christian school is that the entire school votes on who they want to be a representative for the high school classes on the homecoming court and I was chosen all 3 years. Senior year, you have to be on it. Senior year homecoming is also the year that you are voted on to be homecoming queen. It had been my dream since I was in kindergarten to be homecoming queen...mainly because I wanted the crown. The seniors are also the ones that work out the logistics of it all too. So we decided on the decorations and the flowers and everything else that went in to it. We also wanted this to be the first year where we could do a princess and prince. We had discussed this with the faculty and others being involved...and my mom. My mom was the secretary of my school and a big part of the homecoming process. We all came to a decision that it would be best not to have a princess of prince. Well, it was friday and the school voted on who they wanted as their homecoming queen. The girl that were in my class were, Lindsay, Leah, Ann, and me. So they're were only 4 girls to choose from. It finally came down to the evening to get everything started and we are all lined up to go out on the court and my mom announces that we are going to have a prince and princess for the court. Did I tell you that my mom is also the one that counts the votes? Well, when she announced that I knew I wasn't going to be queen, and as it turns out, I wasn't. But I know why  my mom made that decision at the last minute. She did it so I wouldn't have to suffer through rejection or a lost hope. She was protecting me from any kind of hurt that it might cause. She knew I had wanted this. I was crushed, of course, but it really doesn't matter now. Today, as I was getting ready for the wedding rehearsal, I was just thinking about that time and how she had tried to protect me from any kind of pain I might experience. Immediately, my mind went to Christ because that's exactly what he did for me on the cross. He suffered to make my punishment painless. Granted, my mom didn't suffer through me just getting princess (Oh! did I forget to mention that I at least got princess? Well, I did...but still, no crown) But my mom wanting to avert me of rejection or hurt or a hope deferred. Christ did that for me too. As he went to the cross on my behalf and declared guilty of all, I was declared righteous and Holy even though I am clearly not. I sin. I do, really. Sometimes, I am surprised by how much I really do sin, but I was reminded on Monday that God is not surprised by it. And when I sin 5 minutes later, He'll still be faithful to forgive and love me even more. Even though I was rejected as Queen for homecoming my senior year, my Savior was rejected by all men because of the sin that I acted on. He knows rejection. His own Father turned his back on him. The people cursed at him and wanted him to die over a guilty murderer. 

Senior year has come and gone...like 8 years ago! Homecoming queen doesn't matter worth dust any more, but the thing that matters is how Christ was shown to me even years later through my mom of how she tried to avert pain from me to protect me from that hurt just as Christ has done for me on the cross. 

♥ 

Josh and Lindsay's Wedding

I am the wedding coordinator for my friend's Josh and Lindsay's wedding. Tonight was their rehearsal dinner, and it was such a blessing to be apart of their special day. I love watching how the Lord has brought special people together so they can best glorify him together. 

I know them both from church. Lindsay was one of the first people that I met when I came here and was blown away by her wisdom and intelligence. Josh is like my older brother. He came here in August last year to be an intern for the church. We took swing dance lessons together in the fall and that was how I was able to get to know him. I found it kind of odd that a hard-core navy man would be taking swing dance lessons, but come to find out, he did it for Lindsay...Awww. 

It's always hard to be at those...single. But praise God that I have the ability to come to my Heavenly Father and talk about my desires to Him and He will understand and empathize with me. At the dinner table it was my new found friend, Brook, her boyfriend Nathan (groomsman),  Philip (groomsman), a friend Josh, and my friend Shane (groomsman), and then me. After dinner was served and everyone was full, we began to share testimonies about how we know Josh and Lindsay and also to encourage them in their new life together. It was special to hear about all the stories that led up to their meeting and engagement and now marriage. It's all so beautiful...of course, that could just be the romantic in me. But as I was sitting at the table listening to the stories, I began to think about my own rehearsal dinner and what people would say about me and my future hubby and our story of how we met. I then began to yearn for that day to come and so I prayed and told God my desires. I so desire to be married someday. I want to be a back bone of support for a godly man. I want to have 4 kids and have my house be crazy with madness. I am a nanny now for 7 kids (3 one day and 4 another), and I love it! I just want to be a mom now. During the stories, many people exhorted them with scripture like ones about how finding a wife is a good thing and a godly woman is of great virtue. Now, my title for my blog is "Aspiring Ruby". I hope one day, a man will be able to look at me as someone is exhorting us with that same scripture and he'll think and praise God for the woman he found in me. I hope I can be that woman for that special man someday. 

I feel like my heart is so ready to start loving someone that way and falling in love, but for some reason, my Sovereign God doesn't think so right now. And that's ok. I'd rather be in His will, then outside of it and not happy or joyful. I know my loving Father knows what's best for me. I have to make the choice to trust him, and I will. But I can't wait for the day of my wedding rehearsal, and better yet, the actual day of my wedding. I am reminded of how we need to be making ourselves ready for the return of Christ which will be even sweater than an earthly union. So right now, as a single woman of God, I am making myself ready for the ultimate return of the lover of my soul who went through utter torture so I wouldn't have to. 

♥